The Zombies Ate My Brains

Rescuing what might remain of the grey matter.

$2.00 plus free shipping

I should know better than to carry on a long-distance conversation with my hearing-impaired husband. He will deny that, by the way. The “hearing impaired” part.

Me, from the front door, hollering over to him, as he’s raking the lawn:

A deluxe stainless steel pastry cutter or blender.

“Have you seen my pastry cutter?”

“What?”

“My pastry cutter. Have you seen it?”

[Pause.]

“I moved it. It was sharp and you weren’t using it. So.”

Sharp? My pastry cutter? I suppose that’s somewhat accurate. One of the features that I like about it. It does a great job at cutting in butter when I’m making biscuits. It’s especially fabulous at mincing broccoli when I make broccoli balls. But not so “sharp” that it needs special storage.

I’ve mentioned to him on several occasions how much I liked my pastry cutter. Especially since we spent an entire day shopping for it, about five years ago. It was difficult to find one in the big box stores that carried kitchen accessories. AFFORDABLE kitchen accessories. Finally, at a thrift shop in Cambridge, there was my prize – for a $1.75. One blade was bent, but no biggie. It did the job, and then some.

But where was it? I checked both cutlery drawers. Twice. You know the tendency to not see something when it’s sitting there in plain view? I focused. I squinted. I could not make it appear. And now I knew why.

He, in a mood to organize had placed long handles in one drawer, short implements in another. And apparently, sharp dangerous cutting tools were “moved” elsewhere.

“Where did you move it?”

“I don’t remember. Downstairs, on the right.”

Right. “On the right.” I bit back the question, “Can you be more specific?” and went to look for myself. No pastry cutter.

I cancelled plans to make rhubarb squares. I’d only eat them, anyway.

When he finally came into the house, he asked, “Did you find the pizza cutter?”

Ah. That explains it. He had misunderstood me. My mistake. But I was relieved, because maybe now I’d find the missing gadget.

“No. The PASTRY cutter. Where did you move it?”

“I threw it away. You never use it. Besides, it’s a cheap foreign import.”

Suffice to say, we had words.

After we kissed and made up, he went on a mission to make up for his “overreach.” He spent the rest of the day hunting for a replacement at all the new and used outlets. Nothing. “Don’t people make pastry around here?”

At home, however, success. He found one, online. $2.00 plus free shipping. From China.

Categories: Husband

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54 replies

  1. Oh my. I have had similar experiences with my sweetheart.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ‘you never use it’ = I don’t watch you cook so have no idea what you really do…. Brilliant, Maggie. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I will assume he learned from this experience…! This story was hilarious Maggie.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Deb – Oh man, I hope he learns to ask first. I cannot tell how how many things have been relocated to, in his opinion, a tidier more appropriate location. Even while I prepare the food, he hoovers and cleans up the counters while I’m in the middle of a making a batch of biscuits. I’m getting used to it. But yesterday… a line was crossed.

      Like

  4. Ha ha – that’ll teach him. I’ve never thrown anything away in the kitchen, but I did once break an old glass Pyrex baster. After searching for many years, I finally found one in an antique store. She doesn’t use it, but I’m not touching it.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Husbands! I could write a whole series of blog posts on what my husbands threw out or misplaced, thinking they were “helping”. It must be embedded in the Y Chromosome. 🙂

    Deb

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I can relate to the hearing part. I have aides and wear them some, my hearing loss is borderline, depending on who you ask lol, but they are not comfortable. Glad you are getting a new one!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Rule one: Never throw out another person’s tools.

    Rule two: If you violate rule one, be prepared to hide for several weeks.

    I had a hard time finding a pastry cutter in the U.K. as well, but it turns out that was because they call it something else. Which, unfortunately, I can’t remember Once we got the language straightened out, though, the local hardware store had one.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m biting my tongue 🙄

    …. although in his defence, he did admit the transgression. I usually get some version of ‘why do you always assume I was the one who lost/ misplaced/ threw away/ broke the object?”

    Well, duh. Only 2 of us live here …

    Liked by 1 person

    • Judging from the responses, all my blogging pals can relate. So that’s good to know.

      Moments before this episode, I asked him if he had the car keys. He said, “They’re in the key holder, aren’t they? Oh, yeah, they were. Under another set of keys. Silly me. So, this set the stage for the missing pastry cutter, and I’m thinking it’s just me who is not looking carefully.

      Quelle surprise.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s funny that when we start to share spouse stories, there is so much commonality with others 😏
        Perhaps it is simply the natural order of things when 2 people have lived together for a long time.

        … I wonder what Gilles would say of me? {I’m perfect of course 😉}

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Clutching my gut, laughing, especially not making the rhubarb squares because you’d end up eating them. I wonder how long it will take the cheap foreign import to travel from China to Cobalt?

    Liked by 1 person

  10. He is wonderful. A real husband. He does infuriating things from time to time. You love him anyway.
    I WANT SOME RHUBARB SQUARES !

    Liked by 1 person

  11. St. Maggie — that’s all I can say!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Did you say BISCUITS? Be right over!!! Yum. I have never made biscuits. Can you believe it? First I didn’t do it because it was mom’s job ;), and then hubby got celiac. So no biscuits. I’m glad your hubby made up for his error. Maybe it wasn’t a hearing problem but he just didn’t want to admit he threw it away at first!
    Speaking of which, mine is going for his hearing test on Thursday. Can’t wait for the results!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. This is hilarious! Okay, it’s also tragic on some levels too. “You never use it.” Oh, lord, I’d never have the balls to even try that one with my wife, who, btw, is also hearing impaired. In her case she actually has hearing aids, so I guess that makes her official as opposed to being in denial. We actually ordered her a new (expensive) set recently. I hope your $2.00 device is worthy of the one that’s now tossed! – Marty

    Like

  14. Maggie – hope the new one is good quality! It just might be.
    I sometimes see these when I am thrifting – not for a while now – they are usually with some unopened pampered chef items in dusty white boxes

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Haha! My husband hates to throw anything away, The opposite problem. Don’t know which is more aggravating!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. “I threw it away. You never use it. Besides, it’s a cheap foreign import.”
    LOL. Gobsmacked at the audacity of it!

    Actually, It’s hard talking to a hearing-impaired spouse at the best of times – just ask my husband! It’s amazing how my mind often puts a different interpretation on what he has said, even when I do hear him properly. Too often we guess what the person talking to us has said, by popping the unheard word in context with the rest of the question or statement. I have to wear my cheap Chinese import amplifier when I visit my doctor.

    Real pastry, hey? Yum. I use budget frozen pastry sheets when I make sausage rolls. That’s my limit these days. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  17. So relatable Maggie. I’m so pleased your story ended happily! We’re both deaf, though I think Chris is more impaired than me. We do have similar experiences, though Chris being a hoarder I have to sneak his worn out clothes, usually they end up in a pile for rags… My things are more disposable than his!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Oh my gosh! I bet there are a few tools in the garage that he “never” uses that could be… um… relocated (I’m kidding, of course). Hopefully he now understands that just because a kitchen tool is rarely used doesn’t mean that it’s not useful.

    Liked by 1 person

    • In the heat of the argument, he couldn’t understand why I was so upset when we could easily and cheaply replace the gadget. His point being if, as you suggest, the roles were reversed, he would not have made such a big deal out of it. “Oh, really,” I snarked. “If I had gone into your shop and taken one of your several dozen hammers off the wall and tossed it, you wouldn’t have minded?”

      There was a pause and then he deflected, ignoring my question. To his credit, he finally agreed that it would have bothered him.

      Liked by 2 people

  19. I am a kitchen gadget person, but I’ve been holding back due to the cost. Lots of great accessories out here, but…
    I have used my pastry cutter to chop eggs for egg salad since I no longer make pies. Kind of weird, but it works!

    Hope you can keep your hubby away from the kitcen tools… 😏

    Liked by 1 person

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