The Zombies Ate My Brains

Rescuing what might remain of the grey matter.

How to Change the Loo Roll

AGAIN with the empty toilet paper roll!

OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

I know that my husband means no ill will toward me.  AND I know that it’s not laziness: he is one of the most industrious people I know.  So why is it, that when I reach to the toilet paper dispenser and find it empty my default impulse is “OFF WITH HIS HEAD”?

Ah yes, just another day in normal married life.  

After I composed myself, I was invited to compose a post that teaches readers how to do something you know and/or love to do. Without further ado, I invite you to learn:

How to Change the Loo Roll

  • Wipe your butt.
  • Remain in the moment and be aware that, aHA! I’ve used the last of the toilet paper.  I better change the roll so that the next user will not be inconvenienced.
  • Jiggle, flush, and pull up your zipper.
  • Reach into the cabinet not more than .378 meters* from where you stand and find a new roll of TP
  • Take the empty roll from the hanger and install the new one in its place.
  • Do whatever you wish the the old roll – recycle it, use it as fire starter, or just toss it in the waste bucket a mere .498 meters* away. See advanced courses available, below.
  • Carry one with your day
  • COME BACK HERE! You forgot to flush!

For a visual aid, see the video linked here, from one of my all time favourite TV series, Mad About You.

Advanced students might also wish to learn “How to Restock the Cabinet When You Use the Last of the TP” and “The Perils of Improper Disposal of Empty Rolls”

* For users of alternate units of measure, see this earlier post.

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Categories: Daily Post, Relationships

Tags: , , ,

76 replies

  1. That gives me food for thought. As a female victim always left with an empty toilet roll I just wonder where the paper went. I am finished and lo and behold the holder is empty. We just do not have a plain and simple holder, but it is somehow a modern design to fit in the side of the cupboard next to the toilet. Not going into details, but after removing the metal bar I fit the toilet roll onto it and have to fit it into the receptacle. This is complicated when sitting in a certain position. You have my full sympathy.

    Like

  2. Great, now my coworker is wondering what the heck I’m sniggering at. (Gosh I miss that show.) Plus, I can’t believe I haven’t told the story yet of using a public toilet stall without checking first. I must go put that into my drafts now so I don’t forget! :>

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Fortunately, my hubby is an obsessive TP changer/replenisher, however he is also a neglectful flusher! I’ll often walk into our master bathroom to find “yellow water”. He blames it on the dog!

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  4. This made me think of the visit from my son and his family. We heard yelling about toilet paper. Thinking that all of the paper on the shelf was gone I ran upstairs and got another roll. Later going into the bathroom I found the whole shelf still filled up and started laughing. A bunch of rolls were right there.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Exactly the same problem in our house. Replacing the toilet roll, putting the finished box of cereal into the recycling, noticing that the washing hamper is full so the machine might just need loading. My husband is completely blind to all of the above, and quite a few more!

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    • Hey Keeps, thanks for the comment. Know what’s embarrassing to admit? By way of “take that, you negligent TP roll replacer you”, I’d get my revenge by *not* replacing a roll when I saw it was empty. Uh huh, pretty clever there, wouldn’t you say? [eye roll]

      Like

    • Oh my God! I think we must be married to the same man!!! Or at the very least they share a lot of the same DNA. Toilet roll, empty packets, he’ll only hang up 90% of a finished wash, leaving the rest to fester in the basket. Plus honey spills are invisible to his naked eye and he’ll leave a slug of juice in the fridge just so he doesn’t have to bin the bottle.
      Seriously, what is WRONG with them?!?!

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      • LOL – You have no idea how glad I am to see the comment about the laundry. Now, before I get to my grievance, please note that this man is always busy with something and he is very industrious and takes care of all of the mechanics around the house, so that’s good. He also helps with the laundry… to a point. He only attends to HIS clothing and leaves mine on the line! Um, hello? I brought it up one day and he said, “Aw. Is someone feeling neglected?” All oopsie-poopsie like. grrrrrrr

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        • Haha – no way! I got ‘reassured’ that as Husband hung his washing outside at dusk ‘mine’ had been hung inside. I went to look: 1 pair of knickers. Unless ‘mine’ also constitutes all the kids’ stuff. Thanks, buddy!

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Hahaaa I love it. I’ll be using this tutorial to train my husband and son on the mystical art of toilet roll replacement. I think I’m going to enjoy reading more posts from you. 😀

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  7. Got to stick up for the males here! It’s not me that’s the problem in our house on that one.

    Loved the post!

    http://www.browney237.com

    Like

  8. Reblogged this on The Zombies Ate My Brains and commented:

    In celebration of 6 months here on WordPress and… oh hell, who am I kidding? I’m taking the easy way out in response to a Writing Essential Group Challenge… I promise – I won’t make a habit of it!

    Like

  9. Oh my goodness Maggie this is hilarious! Of course there is a little part of me that is nodding along. 🙂

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  10. I never, ever leave an empty toilet paper roll. Being a gentleman, I always use all but one thin sheet. You see, I come from a large family (only if eleven kids is considered large in your neighborhood. It wasn’t in mine) and a lesson quickly learned by all us kids was “NEVER USE THE LAST OF ANYTHING!!”, since huge responsibilities accrued to whoever used the last of anything.

    In addition to leaving a single sheet of toilet paper, I always leave a single sip of milk in the jug, a crumb of bread in the bag and a whiff of gas in the tank. It is not that I am lazy, it is just that habits that were literally pounded into my head – are hard to break.

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  11. On another note… Maggie, would you consider serving as an editor on the http://writingessentialgroup.com/ blog? It is not a lot of work, mainly just writing a prompt one day a week.

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  12. NO Almost Iowa!! No, no, NO!! That is even worse! My ex used to do that ALL THE TIME and how he didn’t end up under the patio pushing up the crazy paving is anyone’s guess.

    What use is one sheet of toilet roll to anyone? Have you ever had to use the cardboard tube because it’s that, or a soggy minny? What can you do with a sip of milk besides hurling it at the nearest offending person, i.e. you? Have you any idea how annoying it is when you think you have plenty of biscuits/gin/ice cream in the house, then when you go to pour yourself and your guest a nice drink, the teaspoons worth you have left has evaporated and then you have to give your poor friend tea or go out into the rain to the offy only to find it closed and when you get back there’s only a drop of milk in the fridge??!

    At the very least leave 2 portions/servings/usages of anything and that way you may get to live to a ripe old age with as few dents as possible in your cranium.

    Maybe… 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • OK folks, listen up! Wise words of advice here!

      Like

    • Welcome to the politics of a very large family.

      The purpose for leaving a single sheet of toilet paper on the roll, a sip of milk in the jug and a whiff of gas in the tank is to send a direct and brutal message to the person who carelessly left only a single serving of each.

      In a large family, a single serving is worse than none because it gives the illusion of adequacy and shifts responsibility to someone else. The tragedy of it is…. with long, long lines for everything, running out is not an option. If someone is irresponsible enough to only leave six servings of milk in the jug….that means at least five other people will find the jug empty (11 kids) and chances are they may be too small to reach for the extra roll of toilet paper, or walk the three blocks to the store.

      Liked by 3 people

      • Ah, I see…

        My ex did it when there was only two of us, so it wasn’t question of politics, only which of us was a sneaky, lazy/greedy arsehole!

        I suspect he was under the illusion that leaving half a biscuit in what appeared to be a full cardboard packet, one Quality Street (usually the coconut ice) buried in a tin of about 200 empty wrappers, a splash of red wine disguised by the dark glass (he never tried it with white) or a teaspoon of gin in a green glass bottle, he could say hand of heart that he never ate/drank it ALL and that I wouldn’t be annoyed. It was like living with a cross between a sugar crazed toddler, an alcoholic and a thieving labrador.

        Being lazy/greedy was one thing, but I’d rather he’d have manned up and admitted it then we could have stocked up on more when we went to the supermarket instead of having to run cussing to the local 7/11 all the time!

        I agree with you that whatever the reason, it is a brutal action and as far as I was concerned, as such, an unmistakable declaration of war… 😉

        Liked by 2 people

        • Being lazy/greedy was one thing, but I’d rather he’d have manned up and admitted it then we could have stocked up on more when we went to the supermarket instead of having to run cussing to the local 7/11 all the time!

          It is one thing to have character flaws. We all have them. It is quite another to BE or shall we say, embody a character flaw.

          We take care of our supply problem by shopping at an establishment that provides flat-bed trolleys in lieu of shopping carts. In other words, we buy everything in BULK (vs. plain old “bulk”). That way, our greatest problem becomes less about running out than where to put things.

          As for toilet paper, there is usually an extra roll balancing on the dispenser.

          Having said that, if per chance I find myself short on TP at a critical moment, yes, I will leave but one tissue as a primordial call for help before rushing to the warehouse to fill a flatbed with as many bales of toilet paper as it takes to fill a garage stall.

          Like

  13. Oh Maggie, sometimes I am so glad that I am single! 🙂

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  14. We don’t even have the thing that pops out! One merely slides the old roll off and replaces with a new roll. It amazes me that I seem to be the only person in the house who is clever enough to do so…

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Fortunately, that’s not a problem in our home. Now, if only there was a tutorial about replacing the last sliver of soap in the shower with a new bar, that would be helpful. Thanks for the link to Mad About You! That was such a funny, well-written show.

    Like

  16. I laughed out loud at the COME BACK HERE. You forgot to flush!!!!!

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  17. Obviously you are not of the paranoid and ocdc variety of human being that I am. I checked the front door twenty times to make sure it’s locked before I go to bed. Then I wake up in the middle of the night, asking, “Did I lock the front door?” Being this variety of person, I always check before I go. I ain’t taking no chances. Like the old saying goes, been there done that. And it ain’t happening ever again. Once burned twice shy.

    Like

  18. “Off with his head!” That was intentional too, right? Toilet=Head?

    Loved this. Loved the comments from your entourage. Always laugh at your clever comebacks. And now….have you met GlueStickMum? Or more to the point, has Reiner met Mr. GlueStickMum? Have a look-see at their commonality, shall we?

    Like

  19. Very funny, Maggie 🙂 As always.

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  20. Happy 6 months celebration, Maggie. Loved this, but I’m one of the lucky ones, it seems, since I don’t stress out, or even get niggly, when the roll is empty – the loo paper stack is reachable and one can attend to it while doing one’s business. 😀

    Like

  21. Thank you for the laugh, I enjoyed your post.

    Like

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